Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
