I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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