he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
