Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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