TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
