We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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