so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
