So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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