you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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