Cold hands, warm shart.
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
