Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
