Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I intend to get homeless drunk
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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