I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
