someone threw a dead crab at me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
