Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
