worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
