Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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