How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she smelled like a LAN party
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
