Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
FUCK WHALES
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