Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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