Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
