He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
