from now on my penis is your penis
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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