I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
