bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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