You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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