You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
