I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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