This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
