I should be sponsored by Trojan
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This is my gift to your gina
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
