I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just had sex on a roof
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
