If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
