Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
