brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
then he tried to convert me to islam
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
