You're my little dorito
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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