You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
