If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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