i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
