When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
