is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
