Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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