I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
