I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
