seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
