Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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