Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
