mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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