And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
