My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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