I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
