kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
