You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
