Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
